


She's Not Me

by brainoverdriving (orphan_account)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 03:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13604475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/brainoverdriving
Summary: Grabbing, biting, kissing, loving, fucking – Sehun knew everything that could make Jongin hiss in pleasure and moan and even though they were no longer together, Sehun was drunk with their dead love so he wanted to show Jongin that he was still the better choice.





	She's Not Me

**Author's Note:**

> it was posted on aff but since i deleted it, i decided to orphan it here, so in case you haven't read it on aff, have fun!

“Sehun, stop,” Jongin hissed but still moved his hips up and bit his lower lip, Sehun knew he could win this game, if it could be called a game “For fuck’s sake, Sehun, back off, I’m driving and we’re no longer together!” Jongin kept on hissing his words and tried to keep his hips low and his eyes on the road.

“Before you loved it, didn’t you? Driving for a long time and having my mouth on you, you fucking loved it.” Sehun said and moved away, Jongin just had to buy a car with actual gears and not automatic one as before. It was so easy back then to open his pants, to bring him out of his boxers and just moved to take him all in.

“This was before.” Jongin mumbled and changed the gears. Sehun rolled his eyes and turned around to look through the window. It was a gloomy weather, just like Sehun was feeling since yesterday when he came back home and Taemin called him out of nowhere to ask him if he was going to go to the celebration next week because it was already four years since Soojung and Jongin were together. Sehun had told him that he was going to think about it, but this morning he found himself calling Jongin instead.

What he didn’t expect was for Jongin to agree to go on a drive as the old time, as in the time they were dating because on the contrary belief of everyone they knew, they had never been actual friends but frustrated teenagers who fucked every chance they got and called each other friends because boyfriends was too hard to say and they were scared of admitting what the thing between them was. When they were ready to call themselves boyfriends, it was too late because Jongin fell in love all over again and Soojung was too beautiful, too lovely even when she tried to be cold and distant. She was beautiful, she was challenging and Jongin fell for her.

Although Jongin wished to say that he had changed his heart overnight and had gotten drunk and kissed her, even though he and Sehun were still a thing, Sehun didn’t believe him. He knew when it started, how Jongin’s eyes changed, how he was slowly moving closer, leaning more, listening more and Sehun knew then that the things were going to change and as much as he was playing it dumb back then, for some reason he didn’t have the heart to fight for Jongin or try to show how much happier Jongin would be with him, because he couldn’t do it. They might have been serious with each other, loving each other, craving the other like the air and were happy together. They weren’t good for each other.

At first it was harder to admit it, especially when Sehun was so madly in love with Jongin. Now however, it was easier. Too easy in fact, Sehun thought he’d lose his mind. They were reckless together, risking their lives for a kinky blow job while Jongin was driving, or in the middle of the night Sehun would jump on the bridge spread his legs and wait for Jongin to take him with some sick satisfaction that Jongin would hold him and he wouldn’t fall down and die. Sehun was skipping classes to fuck Jongin in his backseat and Jongin was skipping his internship so that he could have Sehun on his desk spread open and moaning. 

Back at the time Sehun had to retake a few of his classes because of his failing grade and Jongin had to beg to finish his internship. He had to make sure he was perfect but while he was with Sehun there was nothing perfect. Not when they could get high together, fuck all weekend and barely go to the places they should be on Monday. This changed when Jongin started to change his heart too and moved closer to Soojung. He stopped drinking, he stopped fucking Sehun as recklessly as before and he was surprisingly gentle with Sehun. Sometimes the latter wondered if while Jongin was inside him he thought of Soojung, but he had never dared to ask because he was scared.

When they broke up, if Sehun even could call it like this, it was a calm action with a lot of sex. Sehun wasn’t surprised after all their relationship had started with them being totally sexually active with each other. A little bit more than they wished to admit, so ending it like this wasn’t so surprising. The surprising thing was how gentle they were back then while ending it – lingering touches, deep kisses, small mummers for more, praises of how good the other was. Jongin stayed the night in Sehun’s flat then, he had to go to work and Sehun to classes, but neither of them moved. They simply stayed cuddled together. Even then they didn’t say that they loved each other.

One week later Jongin already had Soojung under his shoulder and shared kisses with her while Sehun was on the side with his beer and fries, staring a short guy whose ass was as tasty looking as the cake in front of him. Neither of them spoke then, Sehun had walked to the guy and had brought him in the toilets while he fucked him as he had never fucked anyone before and Jongin had a smile bright as the sunshine on this face when Soojung kissed his nose and gave him a cherry. They had moved on. Sehun didn’t care back then, he didn’t care about this until ten hours ago before he heard Taemin to give him an invitation because he was never part of the Jongin’s friends alone, he was their friend because he fucked Jongin and was his friend. Sehun had his own friends. But somehow when he heard how happy Taemin sounded over the phone while explaining him how they were going to make a surprise party to the couple, something in Sehun snapped and he couldn’t help but act recklessly as if he was once again in love with Jongin.

This is why he called him, he wanted to feel the same exciting feeling inside his chest from the adrenaline of knowing that he was doing something, knowing that he could get caught and he just picked up his phone and called Jongin out of nowhere. They didn’t call each other for months, not having a reason to call or to speak about anything because both of them were so far from each other. Jongin was close to having a higher position in the financial company he was working into and Sehun was already a part time professor in his university and the other time he was spending behind the computer being an editor or journalist. They were too far from one another and too busy to try and play friends. But when Sehun called, Jongin picked up the phone and he sounded relieved that he could hear Sehun’s voice and then something snapped once again in Sehun and he suggested their small drive together.

Sehun didn’t want Jongin back in his life, in his bed as a serious partner and he didn’t want to open his heart to him. But he wanted to prove something, somewhere deep inside the bitterness of being removed and replaced with someone better, someone softer, someone who was not him was still there inside and he just simply acted on the feeling. He knew that whatever was done between them through their ride, he wouldn’t ask Jongin to have him back as before and he knew that no matter what Jongin did the latter wouldn’t want him either. They had already passed the period where they could be with each other and maybe try to get better together, to stop being so toxic to one another and maybe fell in love as they had to do before.

Sehun turned to look at Jongin again, dark hair pushed back, furrowed brows and this angry pout he was doing were still the same. But he could also see how uncomfortable Jongin was, not to mention that Sehun’s plan might have been to fuck with Jongin but he also didn’t want to push it all the way. He was acting like the angry ex still in need for the love of his life but he knew he was going to stop the moment Jongin told him seriously to stop and Jongin wasn’t serious, not in the way he pushed his hips towards Sehun’s palms, neither in the way his eye fell on the wide sweats Sehun was wearing.

“If you tell me to stop, I’m going to stop, you know this.” Sehun said calmly, yet it earned him an angry glare.

“I just told you to stop.” Jongin hissed back at him and Sehun couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You’re semi-hard, man, pushing it into my palm and you were close to moaning the stop instead of saying it. You had stopped me before when you mean it and when I was too much, we both know this pathetic whine of a stop isn’t the real deal.” Sehun looked ahead at the road and pushed his own hair back. He had to trim it or cut it shorter, it was too long now, falling over his eyes and his students were often teasing him about it.

He thought how much he knew about Jongin and Jongin knew things about him too. Both knew their limits and as much as Sehun didn’t want to feel happy or content he knew that Jongin wanted this but at the same time he was guilty, his girlfriend of four years might be home getting ready the dinner and he was here with his ex, in the car, on the same road full with memories of more than simple talks. It was tempting but Sehun knew he probably should stop, he wasn’t sure if he could live with the guilt that he was the reason why Jongin cheated on Soojung. She was nice to him, giving him cakes and visiting him in his classes sometimes because she was a professor there too and she was asking him for lunch dates and sometimes even spending time together when they both took a smoke break. Honestly, Sehun knew why Jongin fell for her, she was that someone everyone would like in their life, with the good and the bad sides, with the temper and the fights, with the passion and the anger – she had them all. And maybe Sehun could fell for her too, if she didn’t have her eyes only on Jongin. But this was only for Sehun to know and he wished to believe he was too much of a gay man to care if her hips would be soft in his hands.

Sehun didn’t miss the way Jongin was tense but he also didn’t miss the way his eyes lingered on his lips and the way he pulled his hair while pushing it back when it wasn’t needed. The small habits which Jongin had since forever, the need to touch Sehun, to have him but in the same time thinking of how wrong it was, how bad he’d fall if he did it. This was probably what was stopping Jongin and Sehun waited. Before either of them spoke, Jongin’s phone rang and he picked up the call, Soojung’s excited voice filled the silence between them and Sehun stayed quiet, while the couple was talking.

It was sweet, how Jongin didn’t make Soojung to wait for him so that they could have dinner and how sweet Soojung was while humming when Jongin explained he went for a drive because he was stressed from working. Soojung simply told him that she loved him and was going to go out with her sister if he was too late and Jongin was giggling and told her he loved her back. He really did love her, this was for sure. Now even Sehun wasn’t sure if he could keep going. However, he still took Jongin’s wrist in his hand, moved down on the seat, making sure the leather wouldn’t let out any sound which Soojung could hear, spread his legs a little bit and pulled the waistband of his sweats. He wasn’t wearing anything under it and he had a small surprise for Jongin.

Sehun didn’t miss the way Jongin’s breath hitched when his fingers brushed against Sehun, he didn’t miss the way Jongin’s fingers curved a little bit when Sehun pulled them lower towards his balls and he surely didn’t miss the way Jongin almost cursed when he felt the plastic which was stretching Sehun since the morning. Sehun took two of Jongin’s fingers and pushed a little bit the plug with them and arched his back because now the thing was right against his prostate and he wanted so badly to moan but Jongin was still speaking with Soojung as calmly as possible. Sehun let go of Jongin’s wrist then, took out his own hand from his sweats but Jongin’s hand stayed there. Not touching for a while but not avoiding either, after a moment his fingers were touching the skin of his balls and then moved to his dick which was surprisingly soft right now and his thumb touched the tip, Sehun’s hips jerked up and he turned to look at Jongin who was looking ahead and bidding Soojung his sickeningly sweet goodbye.

Once the call was over and Jongin’s grip on Sehun was painful but at least now Sehun could let out his voice and chuckle because holy shit he liked the way Jongin pulled his skin and the way he tightened his hold on the base almost as if he was breaking Sehun in half. It shouldn’t be so pleasurable but it was nice. He didn’t miss the way Jongin cursed but he didn’t move his hand away and Sehun didn’t pull away either, instead he leaned towards Jongin and bit his jaw before giggling against the skin.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked because as much as he wished to move further, take as much as Jongin was willing to give, for some reason he wanted to make sure that in some way this was mutual and Jongin knew what it meant once he put his dick inside Sehun.

“No, I’m not, but god I missed this.” This, not Sehun, not their relationship, the sex, Sehun could relate. However, this wasn’t exactly the answer Sehun wanted as much as he wished to stay like this, he took Jongin’s hand away from him and squeezed it before he adjusted back on his seat and Jongin’s hand was back on the wheel.

“Listen, you know what’s going to happen if you fuck me right?” Jongin snored and shook his head, Sehun sent him a glare. “I’m not fucking around, man, either we do this and I don’t get blamed for pushing you into this, or you’re going to turn the fucking car around and we’re going back home.”

“I want to do this.” Jongin said it so quietly that Sehun was close to asking again. “Fuck, only four years and I already cheat on her.” Jongin laughed but his laughter was empty and Sehun wished to say that it was okay but it wasn’t. Instead of saying anything, he moved his palm over Jongin’s inner thigh and squeezed. They were both into this. 

Jongin kept on driving, soon the sun would be gone and they’d be far away from their city to think that they were far enough for what they were going to do. Getting further away from the city meant more trees and hidden old routes which Jongin knew per heart and he could find a spot where they could do the deed and no one was going to see them. It was the weekend so most of the people were either drunk out of their heads or home with their family. Just like Jongin had to be with Soojung and just like Sehun had to be with his bottle of wine, a couple of assignments in front of him and the TV on. Yet here they were, not home, not doing what they knew it was right but in the middle of nowhere.

Jongin turned off the lights and then he turned off the engine of his car. Both of them stayed like this, unmoving, quiet, they could hear each other’s breathing and the way Sehun was playing with his nails and the way Jongin was moving his hands over the wheel. They were so gone Sehun could say that he didn’t want it and that it was just a joke. He could take out the plug or let it stay – he liked the feeling of being so full. Jongin could say that he couldn’t do this to Soojung, turn on the engine, move out and drive back to his home, where he had to be. They could pretend nothing was going to happen, that nothing had happened and they could move on with their lives. But neither did anything.

Sehun ran a hand over his face, squeezed his temples between his thumb and middle finger and sighed. If Jongin and Soojung broke up, he knew he had to live with the thought that he was the reason behind this, that he was one of the reasons for it to happen. And for some reason he found it harder to forget what he was feeling towards Jongin other than feeling guilty for something he was sure that he was to blame. Jongin didn’t seem so much calmer next to him, he was shaking his legs, his fingers were moving over his knees, his face was turned on the side and Sehun knew that he was going to decide soon. He was going to decide for both of them.

Sehun wondered if he was going to hesitate, if he was going to push Jongin away again or he was going to be so tense that he wouldn’t be able to reply to any of the actions coming from Jongin. Or he was going to be bold, push Jongin to his limits and maybe get as much as he could get. A moment later he realized that it wasn’t anything like this. The moment he felt the cold fingers on his nape, Sehun closed his eyes and relaxed. He moved to meet Jongin’s lips in the middle and both of them shared bittersweet kisses. Bitter – because both knew that Soojung didn’t deserve this, sweet – because they couldn’t deny that they missed this.

Although years had passed since their last taste of each other, Sehun still could taste the strawberry sweetness from the gum he liked to chew on Jongin’s lips, tongue, everywhere while kissing, just like he was sure Jongin could taste the bitter taste of the coffees Sehun had drank through the day. It was so familiar, just like the way Sehun knew he could pull the short hair on Jongin’s head and earn a small whine against his lips and a bite on his lower lip. Just like Jongin knew that Sehun liked it when he teased, sucking his tongue, brushing his nose against his, gently clacking their teeth together as if they were once again sixteen and experimenting. Eight years together and four away from each other, one would think that things would change but they didn’t.

Not even when Jongin bumped his forehead against Sehun’s, not even when he pulled Sehun closer and Sehun did nothing else but move and put his arms around Jongin’s neck, running his fingers through his hair and pull because he liked the sounds which were coming out of Jongin’s mouth, because it was his kink, to feel the pain but in the same time the pleasure from it. Jonging pushed his seat down and moved so that they could have more space and Sehun moved away from him to take off his sweats and before climbing over Jongin he took out the plug from himself and groaned because suddenly he felt empty and cold. Jongin was fast on unbuttoning his pants too and stroking himself so that he could use his pre-come as lube, because Sehun didn’t think of bringing one and Jongin didn’t even consider putting his dick anywhere inside Sehun. But here they were.

Once Sehun moved so that he could straddle Jongin, he felt the firm hold Jongin had on his hips, making sure that he wouldn’t hurt himself, whispering to keep his head safe, four years ago, Jongin was going to pull Sehun closer not caring if he was going to get hurt, neither would he check if he was stretched enough for him like he was doing now. Two fingers, knuckle deep were inside Sehun and the latter had put his head on Jongin’s shoulder because he was sensitive, having something inside for hours felt good while it lasted but having Jongin’s fingers inside moving in and out, stretching inside him and curving them so that Jongin could touch that small annoying spot which was making Sehun tense, was wonderful.

“Should I do this for longer?” Jongin asked against Sehun’s ear quietly and kissed him. Sehun shook his head, he was going to come if this kept going and he was selfish, he wanted Jongin inside him. “You know,” Jongin started again, removed his fingers from Sehun and put a hand on his lower back while with the other he aligned himself so that he could slowly move inside Sehun. “Maybe we were wrong back then when we were together.”

“What do you mean?” Sehun whispered because he didn’t trust his voice and because he had forgotten how content he was while having Jongin inside him. Sehun moved slightly from his position so that he could take Jongin deeper and slowly he started to move. Slowly, gently, they had done this only two times in their relationship: one time – when they decided to be exclusive and then Jongin rocked gently inside him as if he was from glass while peppering him with soft kisses and both of them were giggling, the second time – when they broke up and walked their own ways, then it was sad. Now it was the third time and it was so bitter, but Sehun kept on moving, circling his hips, having Jongin deep, keeping him inside and from time to time he was tightening around him only to have Jongin jerk his hips and have his nails inside Sehun’s soft flesh.

“It was going to be so different if we were acting like lovers and not starving animals. We lasted for eight years while we were toxic for each other, we could have stayed for longer if we…fuck, just like this,” Jongin pushed Sehun’s hips up and then thrust inside him for better friction, both of them groaning at the feeling. 

“Do you regret leaving me then?” Sehun asked and leaned to kiss Jongin’s jaw, he had moved his hips a little bit and let Jongin fuck into him in the pace he wanted.

“No…” Jongin whispered and cupped Sehun’s face with his hands and kissed him, slowly, gently, as if he loved him, as if he tried to lie to himself that he did.

“I don’t regret it either, it was for the best.” Sehun whispered against Jongin’s lips once they broke the kiss and moved down to meet Jongin’s thrusts. Maybe they had to ask each other if they were clean, maybe Jongin had to ask and put a condom but neither of them did. They trusted each other in some sick kind of way.

While Sehun was moving, his eyes were on Jongin’s and they were darker, sadder and a little bit glassy. Yet Jongin didn’t pull away, instead pulled closer, Sehun was sure he was going to have bruises on his hips and his insides felt so full, his whole body felt on fire with every thrust and he was letting out small pathetic moans while Jongin’s thumbs were trying to sooth him and their eyes were on one another as if they tried to keep each other sane.

They kept going like this, from time to time Jongin would push Sehun’s hips down and tell him to stop, still linked together, still hard and aching but Jongin needed time to compose himself, a few tears fell and Sehun cupped his face kissing them away, quietly asking if they had to stop and Jongin was shaking his head, moving Sehun’s hips and they kept going. They kissed more than maybe they had to. Touched each other, Sehun’s hands under Jongin’s shirt and Jongin’s warm palms on his hips or his lower back under his sweater, Jongin’s jeans were going to be a mess, the lube was in between them, Sehun could feel it on his inner thighs. Once Jongin walked back home and Soojung saw him, she’d know. 

Even then they didn’t stop but kept on pushing each other to their limits. They knew once they reached their high, the moment Jongin came inside Sehun and the latter on both of them, it was going to be over, maybe this was why both of them stopped a couple of times, catching their breath, kissing each other, Jongin cried and Sehun tried to sooth him and calm him, but they didn’t let go. In the end it was painful. They kept going for too long, both of them tired and sweaty, smelling of sex and guilt, Jongin pulled Sehun down, wrapped his arms around him and Sehun pulled Jongin’s hair, hiding his face in Jongin’s neck, kissing the sweaty skin while both of them shuddered against each other, both of them making a mess of one another.

They stayed like this, still connected and dirty. Jongin was holding Sehun tightly while the other was running his fingers through Jongin’s hair and kept on kissing the skin he could catch. They tried to not mover their lower bodies, both were too exhausted and they were too oversensitive. It was then when Jongin cried and pulled Sehun closer to the point that it was painful. Sehun almost cried with him but he stopped, he had no reason to cry, he wasn’t going to lose anything except something like a friend in the eyes of Soojung, but he had lost Jongin already so he had no reason to cry. He simply waited for Jongin to calm down.

“I’m going to break her.” Jongin whispered once he was calmer, his lips were on Sehun’s collarbones, kissing them, biting them, he couldn’t stop and Sehun didn’t want him to stop.

“You will, she might never forgive you.” Sehun said back, he knew that if he said something else both of them would know it was a lie and now it wasn’t the time for lies.

“She’s not you to stay quiet and let the things happen.” Jongin must have known that Sehun simply closed his eyes while Jongin was slipping away from him. But neither had done anything so they were not to blame, Sehun couldn’t blame Jongin for choosing someone else, and Jongin couldn’t blame Sehun for letting him move on with his life.

“She’s not me.” Sehun giggled. “I won’t have a smoke break buddy anymore.” Jongin shook against him while laughing. “I don’t want you back.”

“I don’t want you back either.” Jongin replied. It had to be known, this was something awful, something which mustn’t be done but they did it anyways. “But if I decide that I want to come back, are you going to take me?”

It was important for Sehun to reply but he found himself mum. He didn’t know how he should respond. They had grown up, if they’re together they might be better than before, might be the couple they once laughed at. Maybe they could wake up next to each other with smile and no bruises, no drugs, no weed, only them and a coffee and maybe a breakfast. They could have late night walks without fucking in every corner and maybe they could speak about their day and maybe just maybe they’d share a kiss under the street lamp when the first snow was falling, holding hands and giggling against warm lips. And they could do it, if they didn’t break each other before hand. Even now they were not for each other otherwise Jongin was going to break up with Soojung first, then he’d ask Sehun for a date and maybe go on a few more after than before they’d do what they did now. But here they were now, broken, empty and sad, still connected but not for each other. Sehun then pulled away from Jongin and their eyes met once again.

“I don’t think so.” He replied finally and Jongin chuckled. He expected this, so he gave Sehun a kiss and gentle pat on his behind to move and he did, sat on his seat. Put on his sweats, put the plug in his pocket and moved so that he wouldn’t dirty the sear more than he did.

Jongin did the same thing, he buttoned his pants, put back his seat, ruffled his head and turned on the engine, the lights after that, turned on the radio and then he drove towards their home. They didn’t speak, they didn’t even look at each other, both were a mess but when Jongin put his hand on Sehun’s thigh, the latter was fast to intertwine their fingers and squeeze. They might not be together anymore and they might have broken their relationship and Jongin’s but for some reason they were always coming back to each other.

When Jongin stopped in front of Sehun’s building where his flat was, they leaned towards each other and kissed. Sehun smiled at Jongin and said sorry. Jongin laughed and shook his head before driving away. Sehun simply turned around and walked back towards his flat and never looked back.

He didn’t go to the anniversary celebration and he didn’t even bother to see if there was one. However, he didn’t see Soojung again. He didn’t hear anything from Jongin for three months but he didn’t try to look for him either. They met in a coffee shop right around the corner where Sehun was working when he wasn’t in the university, Jongin was there with his laptop and tired look on his face. They greeted each other, Jongin didn’t invite Sehun to sit down, Sehun didn’t invite himself either. They spoke shortly before Sehun’s order was called and he took it, saying Jongin goodbye and walking away. Once again neither of them looked back for the other.

Maybe one day they’d meet again, they’d smile and talk, maybe they’d get a dinner and then go on a date, but it was going to be once they stopped looking at each other and feel guilt. Once they had forgiven each other, once Sehun had forgiven himself and maybe once Jongin did the same too. Until then, they’d be simply strangers who knew the name of the other and had a history no one should know of. Maybe one day they’d drink coffee together and leaned on each other. But maybe this day would never come because sometimes to forgive was easier to forget. And sometimes the guilt could never be forgotten.


End file.
